My Top 13 Rules for Dealing with Blog-Clogging Spam

It’s about midnight on Christmas Eve, and my phone dings with that lively iPhone chime: I have a new email, perhaps a special Christmas message! I run my thumb over the face of the phone, and my smile immediately droops to a frown. The message isn’t from a person, but from an automated spammer.

The most frustrating thing about this blog — other than the WordPress blank screen of death — is the spam. Of the 140 messages that have been posted to the Roff Home blog since October, 111 have been spam. Here’s a smattering of the best of the worst spam comments, as well as my spam smack-down rules:

Faint Praise Spam

I just wanted to extend my gratitude very much for this intriguing blog. I’ve just favorited your website, when can free up some time I am going to have to do some deeper browsing of your site. Well back to my dreaming of [LINK TO A FLOORING COMPANY VERY, VERY, VERY FAR AWAY FROM ME]

Rule #1: Don’t tell me you think the blog is interesting and in the same breath say you haven’t read it. As for your flooring company, keep dreaming. SPAM.

Faint Praise Spam, Repeated

I just wanted to express my appreciation a lot for this informative write up. I just bookmarked your webpage, when I have more free time I am going to have to do some further reading of your site. Well back to looking for [LINK TO SAME FLOORING COMPANY VERY, VERY, VERY, VERY FAR AWAY FROM ME].

Rule #2: If you’re so short on time, don’t post slightly modified messages to multiple pages of the same blog. DELETE.

“Flattery may get you somewhere” Spam

Hi buddy, your blog’s design is simple and clean and i like it. Your blog posts are superb. Please keep them coming. Greets!!! [LINK OUT TO A COMPANY THAT SELLS KITCHEN APPLIANCES.]

Rule #3: Paying compliments could get your spam through the door. But don’t post the same compliment to 5,330 blogs. Did you think we would never find out? Haven’t you heard of Google?  FAIL.

Apparently flattery can get you onto the Parasite Cleanse blog in the article “Dog Parasites: How to Protect Your Pet.” Lovely. The spammer should have posted: “Your blog is simple and clean, like your dog’s parasite-free intestines.” Now that would have been some good spam!

Incoherent Abbreviation Spam

Please, can you PM me and tell me few more thinks about this, I am really fan of your blog… [SPAM LINKS OUT TO A BUY VIAGRA WEBSITE]

Rule #4: What the hell is PM? Project management? Post menopausal? Post mortem? This spam has made it onto blogs 42,900 times. So here’s a hint. If you want to slip your spam onto my blog, don’t use weird abbreviations in your messages that only that Nigerian banker with $10,000,000 he can’t get out of the country uses. Remember him? Yeah. Don’t be him. DELETE.

Apparently, the Whole Foods market in Jenkintown doesn’t know Rules #1-4, or they think that flattery and incoherent abbreviation spam are relevant to their business. Can’t they tell which comments are spam? Did “Asian escorts London” actually have something relevant to say about Whole Foods’ natural cold remedies?

Boob Spam.

Do you find me hot ?

Rule #5: No, I don’t. SPAM.

Spam from Krkyzykibynistan

GgiadB eyqaybwyaykc, [url=http://zkyhrvviuvc.com/]zkyhrvviuvc[/url], [link=http://ytyfyrtelrm.com/]ytyfyrtelrm[/link],

Rule #6: WTF. Speak English. DELETE.

And before anyone freaks out, I deleted one letter from each of the URLs so no one could accidentally be whisked away to any dangerous corner of the web. Calm down.

Inane Question Spam

I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?

Rule #7: Et tu, Twitter? Are you related to the Nigerian guy? See Rules #3 and #6. And talk to your lawyers about Fair Use. Google finds this spam comment 82,900 times. FAIL.

Inane Comment Spam

Dear Author roffhome.com ! I will refrain from comments. [LINK TO A SITE IN RUSSIA.]

Rule #8: And I’ll help you in your quest. DELETE.

More Inane Comment Spam

Dear Author roffhome.com! It that was necessary for me. I Thank you for the help in this question. [LINK TO SAME RUSSIAN SITE.]

Rule #9: I feel like there was a happy ending involved in that comment. BTW, the Internet called and says it’s been violated, like, 143,000 times. FAIL.

Tricky Flattery Spam

I am really enjoying reading your well written articles. It looks like you spend a lot of effort and time on your blog. I have bookmarked it and I am looking forward to reading new articles. Keep up the good work! [LINK TO A ECOMMERCE SITE]

Rule #10: Your sneaky flattery almost worked, but it’s posted to 795 sites. And if you really wanted to just pay a compliment, why include the unrelated link? You’re spam. FAIL.

Plagiarism Smagiarism Spam

His signature was carefully written below. I read the [LINK TO A PHARMACY SITE] another time. I stepped back and looked towards Capo Doccia. I had his undivided

Rule #11: WTF. Don’t pull quotes from Harry Harrison’s 1985 masterpiece, “A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born.” DELETE.

“I’m a kid” Spam

Today is my lucky day. My mom had promised me to gift a nintendo wii this christmas. But I got it for free, yeee. While looking for some place where I could get it cheap or with some discount, I found this website [LINK TO A WEBSITE] which offered a chance to win nintendo wii, as a special christmas promotion. All I needed to do was to enter my mobile number to enter into the contest. And yup, I won it. Lucky me. Now I am thinking what to ask my mom as a gift. What do you guy’s suggest?

Rule #12: Aren’t you the terminally ill kid I used to get spam chain emails about? Shouldn’t you be dead by now? FAIL.

My fave reference to the above spam is that this comment is buried on the Sean Hannity / FOX News blog. The way I figure, there are so many crazies on that blog, they can’t tell who’s serious and who’s not.

And last but not least…

Snarky Spam

I somehow dont agree with a few things, but its great anyways. [LINK TO A CURRENCY WEBSITE]

Rule #13: I somehow think you’re an idiot. SPAM.

 

Scanning through the pages upon pages of spam, they all pretty much fit into these categories. When I google the exact messages, I’m surprised by how many tens of thousands of blogs let these messages through and provide a forum for their content and their links.

I know that I should get a spam filter of some sort. But I don’t want to pay for a Captcha account just yet and really, isn’t it more fun to stew in my juices about all the spam and then write a post about it?

For the time being my solution has been to turn off the automatic posting of blog comments. So if you happen to post a comment to this blog, you’ll have to wait until I approve it before you’ll see it online. I am emailed when a comment is posted, so as long as I’m at the computer or near my phone, I should be able to approve it soon after you write it.

Considering that today is New Year’s Eve, I hope you are blesssed with a 2010 that is free of spammers hawking wood flooring, kitchen appliances, currency trading, online porn, nintendo Wii’s, online drugstores, celebrity photos, and even bass fishing — unless, of course, you’re looking for these things. If that’s the case, I could indulge you with a few links.

And just for fun, I’ll approve all of the spam that comes through to this post, albeit without any of the nefarious links. So check back once in a while to see what sleazy messages come through.

“Could I have egg, bacon, spam and sausage, without the spam?”

How could I end this post without any reference to Monty Python’s spam sketch? Personally, I never tire of hearing Graham Chapman scream, “I DON’T LIKE SPAM!!!” or John Cleese reading from his Hungarian-English translation handbook, ”Great boobies, honey bun. My lower intestine is full of spam, eggs, spam, bacon, spam, tomato, spam, spam, spam.”

If only blog spam were this funny.

 

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